September 27th, 2010
Looking Up
Good morning,
They say it is going to get up close to 100 degrees today. I think I will hide under
the bed with the cats.
Hope you are all enjoying your autumn weather, wherever you are.
take care,
Skye Thomas
Tomorrow's Edge
...inspiring leaps of faith
www.TomorrowsEdge.net
Books, articles, newsletters,
life coaching, & horoscopes.
This Week's News of Interest:
October 2010 Horoscopes
All forms of the new monthly horoscopes have been sent out. If you need your copy
resent, please send us a note letting us know which of the 26 mailing lists you are
on and we will be happy to resend it to you.
Here are the links for those of you who like to read the forecasts online...
Aries Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Taurus Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Gemini Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Cancer Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Leo Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Virgo Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Libra Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Scorpio Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Sagittarius Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Capricorn Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Aquarius Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Pisces Monthly Horoscopes October 2010
Quote of the Week:
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
- Plato
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never
have to live without you. - Winnie the Pooh
The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute
suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. - A.P. Herbert
Feature Article of the Week:
Beyond Love
All you need is love. Love conquers all. Through love, all things are possible.
We are taught these concepts about love. While it is true that love is an amazing
and powerful thing capable of incredible healing, motivation, and miracles; a marriage
needs more than that. If love were really the only thing needed to sustain a long-term
relationship, then most marriages would never end in divorce. The ugly truth is
that if we are not compatible with each other, then the road to 'happily ever after'
will be long and difficult.
Compatibility is so much more than just agreeing that you are both morning people
and that you both enjoy the same style of lattes. Compatibility is a deep and twisted
dynamic involving a combination of belief systems, personality traits, hopes and
dreams, psychological needs, cycles and patterns, and mutual magnetism. There are
pieces of the compatibility puzzle that we can logically fix, alter, change, and
manipulate, but there are other pieces that we cannot affect on a conscious level.
For example, raw passion and physical attraction for each other, you can love a
person's mind and spirit but simply not be sexually attracted to them. It is like
leading a horse to water - you cannot make him drink. Sometimes no matter how much
we want to like someone on a more intimate level, it just is not there. Other things,
like philosophies of parenting can be negotiated and worked on to find common ground
that works for both of you.
There are many areas of compatibility to consider before committing yourself to a
life together. Most people absolutely believe in their heart of hearts when they
make those marriage vows that the love they feel for the other person will override
the daily ups and downs of sharing a life together. Unfortunately, life can quite
easily throw a wet blanket over the fires of your love and reduce it to quiet smoldering
embers and even to die out completely. Here is a list of important compatibility
factors to consider before getting married. It is not in any special order of importance,
as everyone weighs the various components and their importance differently. Some
people really do not care about religion and spirituality while others feel that
it of utmost importance. They all need to be looked at, contemplated, discussed,
and evaluated openly and honestly before you make your vows rather than later in
couple's counseling.
Personality Types - It is often difficult to mix an extreme extrovert with an extreme
introvert. A loud boisterous comedian will not mix well with a quiet reserved intellectual.
Opposites attracting can seem cool at first, but eventually what seemed charming
and cute later ends up grating on your nerves. It is a sad fact, but at least one
of you will end up feeling as if you have to be something that you are not in order
to please the other. If the core of your basic personalities is not compatible,
then you will have a very difficult time seeing eye to eye on a lot of other things.
Monetary Needs and Goals - If one of you has very simple needs and wants to live
in a modest home without a lot of debt and the other wants to live a glamorous wealthy
lifestyle and is willing to run up a lot of debt to do so, then you are likely to
have some serious problems. Who will earn the money? How will you spend it? How
much do you need? Money problems are historically the number one topic of argument
between couples. Financial compatibility is one of those areas where you can both
compromise and make a special effort to see the other person's viewpoint. If your
views are not too extremely different and rooted in some sort of psychologically
driven need, it is possible to come to an agreement.
Communications Styles - There are many different forms of communication styles. Some
people are verbal in their ability to express their love, others are more touch-oriented
in how they communicate, and some like to show their love through actions and deeds.
Incompatibility in this area will eventually cause you to feel alienated within
the partnership. Quite often in couple's counseling, it is the communication methods
that end up being worked on. It is not too difficult to take the time to really
study and understand your partner, get to know how they personally need to receive
the love and appreciation message from you, and then make a special effort to deliver
the information to them in that manner. So often, we give to others what we personally
would like to receive and unless you both have the exact same types of communication
needs, that is not going to work.
Extended Family - Annoying interfering relatives and close friends have destroyed
many beautiful relationships. Romeo and Juliet is a classic story of just such an
example. As much as they loved each other, their families refused to get along.
Compatibility in this area is not about finding someone with a perfect family, but
finding someone who shares a similar belief about how much outside friends and family
will be allowed to influence your time together. If one of you enjoys being part
of a large family with a lot of interaction and the other prefers to have limited
contact with extended family, then you could have some serious problems. Neither
of you should ever have to turn your backs on your family and close friends because
your spouse just does not want them around, but also if you really dislike a lot
of people coming and going all of the time, you should not have to be forced to live
within a lot of commotion and interference either. This is a tough area to navigate,
but it can be worked out if you are both really sensitive to the deeper needs of
the other.
Lifestyle - For the sake of simplification, we will keep lifestyle down to just the
day-to-day patterns of life. Some are morning people and some are not. Some are
really into sports and outdoors activities and others would rather sit indoors and
discuss philosophies of life. Some are very go-go-go action-oriented and others
are quite laid back and relaxed. Some like to have lots of friends over and back
yard barbeques while others prefer that their home be a quiet place of contemplation,
an oasis away from the daily grind. If the two of you are not too different, then
this is an area of compatibility that can be worked on and common ground can be found.
Romance - This is a mixed area. On the one hand, you shared some level of romance
during the courtship, but on the other hand, how you continue the romance after you
are married can change drastically. Some folks love cute little nicknames like Sweetie
Pie and Sugar Dumpling, while others hate it and think that it is annoyingly sappy.
Some like lots of hugs and kisses while others prefer the words 'I love you' or
'I appreciate all that you do for me' instead. This is a lot like the communications
area and you can definitely feel unloved and as if the spark has gone out of your
relationship when you are not compatible in this area. Again, we often give that
which we would like to receive instead of learning what the other person needs to
receive from us.
Children and Parenting - The desire to have children is extremely powerful in some
people and completely missing in others. This is not an area of compatibility that
can be compromised on. Either you have children or you don't. Plenty of couples
have broken up over this issue. You cannot go into a marriage assuming that you
will change the other person's mind. It is rare that someone successfully changes
someone else's mind about having children. Even after agreeing to have children,
couples disagree about how many they want to have and how they want to raise them.
Most couples do not have compatible views about parenting. One may feel that the
other is too strict, too controlling, or too demanding while the other feels that
their partner is too accommodating, not involved enough, or too relaxed with the
rules. However, unlike the initial decision as to whether or not to even have children
at all, parenting styles is an area that can be negotiated and worked on.
Leisure Activities - All too often, first dates are dinner and a movie, going out
dancing, or a romantic stroll on the beach. These are perfectly lovely first dates,
but they often center around the courtship rituals instead of what the couple will
really do together when they are married. While some love to camp, hike, and go
beach combing, others prefer wine tasting, coffee houses, and Broadway plays. With
an open mind and a loving heart, this is definitely an area where compatibility can
be created.
Sense of Humor - Laughter is the best medicine. Laughter is one of the best ways
to end conflict and tension. A couple that laughs together and finds themselves
easily smiling within each other's company has a far greater chance of staying together
'until death do us part.' If one finds burping and farting to be extremely funny
while the other thinks it is tacky and disgusting, then you are going to have problems.
Some love a dry intellectual wit; others prefer practical jokes that involving a
lot of humiliation and embarrassment. This is a difficult area to change because
it is a lot like sexuality, it either works for you or it doesn't. What one person
finds funny is not necessarily something you can fix or manipulate into matching
what another person enjoys. 'A Good Sense of Humor' is one of the top things on
everyone's list of ideal partners. Defining what that means to each of you is the
key.
Work Ethic - This is an obvious one. If someone is lazy and someone else is a workaholic,
then there will be compatibility issues. It is something that can be worked on together,
but if one of you really wants to live the pampered life and the other disagrees,
then there is not a lot you can do about it. It will eat at the relationship causing
anger and resentment.
Ability to Compromise - You would be amazed at how many people find it sexy that
someone always sticks to their guns. On the other hand, others really value the
ability to work as a team member and to be able to make decisions from a joint perspective.
It is going to depend on leadership skills, whether or not one or both of you believes
in dominance and submission, self-esteem, and other dynamics. This is a hard area
to change. If you are both really at peace with the idea that one of you will make
all of the decisions and will control everything, then you are compatible in this
area. However, if one of you wants to have that situation but the other seriously
wants to be equals making joint decisions and no one person being more right or more
wrong then the other, than you are not going to be very compatible in this aspect.
If both of you agree that one should dominate the relationship, however you cannot
agree as to who is in charge, then your inability to compromise will be a disaster.
If you are not compatible in your ability to compromise, then you really cannot
fix the other disagreements can you?
Sexuality and Fidelity - Most people agree that part of the marriage vows is a pledge
of fidelity. This is an obvious area of importance that you must agree on. You
will sleep with other people or you won't. More importantly in this area is the
general idea of sexual compatibility. There are a lot of deep psychological buttons
that get pushed and triggers that go off when we are in a sexual relationship with
someone. Some of them can be positive and some can be negative. Some can be consciously
altered and others are buried deep within the subconscious and will be next to impossible
to change. Without going into a huge discussion at this time, suffice it to say
that you are either turned on by someone or you are not. Sexual compatibility is
extremely important and very difficult to change. This is not the same as technique
and style. That can be learned and mutually explored. There is only so much you
can force yourself to do for your spouse's sake before your own desires shut down.
Natural frequency of sexual activity can also be a problem. It is not unusual for
one partner to have a much higher sex drive then the other. One is typically made
to feel cold and uncaring for not wanting it more often while the other is made to
feel like some kind of a dirty sex addict for wanting it more often. This is an
area that can be tough to negotiate, but it can be done if both partners agree to
some ground rules that the first one is that there will be no guilt trips allowed.
Ability to Share - Some people are simply selfish and greedy. Others enjoy sharing
everything. It does not take long to see that the 'mine vs. ours' debate is extremely
destructive to a long-term relationship. You need to agree on division of property
or agree to share. The ability to share will actually hint at the core of the me/we
dynamic in a relationship. Are you roommates who sleep together or are you two halves
of a single unit? This is a weird area of compatibility that people often overlook
but it will hint at things to come in your marriage. This is the area that causes
such statements, like "I let you have children didn't I? I care for your children
don't I? I let you have a new car didn't I? Why do you have to keep attacking me
for more money?" Incompatibility in this area will bleed into many other areas of
your life and it is extremely difficult to change someone else's views about such
things.
Religion and Spirituality - You do not have to have the same beliefs and you do not
have to practice the same religion. You do have to agree that you will or will not
follow the same spiritual path. This is a mixed issue. For those who do not really
care one way or the other, you can compromise. For someone who is extremely religious,
they will need to find someone who pretty much agrees with them or they will be miserable.
Love alone cannot heal spiritual incompatibility challenges. There is nothing worse
than feeling as if you have to choose between your lover and your god. It will eat
at you until you resolve it within yourself.
Education and Intellect - Nobody likes to feel like they are stupid and nobody likes
to feel that they are talking to a brick wall. Someone can be quite smart but not
have a lot of formal education. Someone can have multiple college degrees but no
common sense. Chances are that you are attracted to another person somewhat because
they meet your minimum requirements for this area, but it does happen that people
will get together for other reasons and completely overlook the importance of intellectual
compatibility.
Cultural Beliefs - You need to agree that you will both be white supremacists, or
you will both hate gays, or you will both be activists, or you will both be freedom
fighters, or you will both be couch potatoes, or you will both be coaches and mentors
to our youth, etc. It's not that you have to work hand-in-hand, but you really cannot
match a Vegan with a Butcher Shop Owner and expect them to be compatible. They might
love each other, but their belief systems in this area will be difficult for both.
If neither of you really cares what other people do with their lives as long as
they don't meddle in yours, then you are more compatible than couples who are passionately
committed to opposing social causes or cultural belief systems.
Public Image - Some people do not give a damn what others think of them. Some people
care very much about their public image, especially if their career or their life
purpose is somehow connected with the public at large. A politician and a stripper
are going to have compatibility issues as a married couple thrown into the public
eye every time the politician campaigns for office. That is an extreme example of
course, but incompatibility in this area can make or break careers, destroy one's
ability to reach their personal goals, and can make the one who does not care what
others think of them feel like their partner cares more about the public opinion
than the marriage itself. For most people this is not a huge topic of concern, but
if it will be for you, then you should make sure you have compatible views before
you run for a high profile position.
Reliability - Nothing destroys trust faster than a series of broken promises. Without
trust, love will disappear. Some people get distracted and forget to show up to
meetings or forget to pick up the list of groceries on the way home from work. Will
that make you crazy or will it be completely fine with you? Does it matter to you
that they keep their word or do you let things slide? What about little white lies?
You had better both agree on what level of trust and reliability you will have between
each other or the marriage is doomed from the start.
Social Skills and Popularity - This is somewhat like the extended family and the
basic personality portion of compatibility but there are a few differences. If you
are the type of person who needs a lot of one-on-one time with your partner and need
to feel that you are the number one center of their universe, then you may not want
to marry someone who is a social butterfly with lots of friends and colleagues telephoning,
dropping by, inviting them out to play, and dragging them off to group activities.
On the other hand, if you are one who thrives on social activity and love your friends
like they are all family, then you are going to feel tied down and caged by a lover
who expects you to focus only on them day in and day out. This is an area where
compromise can occur, but it is not an easy area to change.
Honesty and Integrity - How do you feel about someone cheating on their taxes? How
do you feel about someone who does not give back the extra change they just received
from a cashier? How do you feel about hidden pasts and skeletons in the closet?
How do you feel about secrets and lies? This is another area of compatibility that
people often do not bother to think about until after it is too late. It is not
the same as fidelity and loyalty, but it does affect your overall respect and trust
of someone. How would they conduct themselves when nobody is looking?
Depth of Connection Needed - Some folks are fine with a light superficial relationship
and others need to be deeply connected soulmates. It is important that you and your
partner are compatible in this area because if one of you wants a deeply connected
relationship and the other wants to keep things light, then there will be hurt feelings.
The person who wants more is going to feel the relationship is empty and without
substance. The person who does not want to go that deep is going to feel like someone
is trying to psychoanalyze their every thought, feeling, and action under a microscope.
Whether you are using an astrology compatibility report, a professional matchmaker,
a book on compatibility, a matchmaking website with computer generated matches, your
friends' opinions and feedback, or just your gut instinct to help you find your best
partner, you need to know that on most levels you and your lover are compatible as
well as in love. Yes, the relationship absolutely must be a love match because love
motivates you to want to fix the problems that come between you, but you also really
need to be compatible so that the road you travel together has the fewest possible
potholes, roadblocks, and fallen debris in your way. Falling in love is easy; staying
in love is a whole other story.
$20 Romantic Compatibility Reports
Need someone to talk to about life's challenges? Skye Thomas is available for life
coaching.
Copyright 2005, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge
Tomorrow's Edge
...inspiring leaps of faith
www.TomorrowsEdge.net
Books, articles, newsletters,
life coaching, & horoscopes.
Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow’s Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps
of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying personal growth,
motivation, soulmates, self-esteem, parenting, spirituality, metaphysics, family
dynamics, dating, and astrology. Her books, articles, and astrological forecasts
have inspired people of all ages and faiths to recommit themselves to the pursuit
of happiness. To read more of her articles, previews of her books, and her astrology
forecasts, go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net. To read more about Skye and to sign up to
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