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April 10th, 2006
Love’s Dance
Good Morning,
Today’s article is for those of you who are trying to fix a broken or tattered marriage. It’s not really all that hard to fix things. It’s hard to get both people committed to fixing it and agreeing on a plan of action.
take care,
Skye Thomas
Tomorrow's Edge
...inspiring leaps of faith
Long Live the American Dream!
Quote of the Week:
"It is no disgrace to start all over. It is usually an opportunity." -
“If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I.” – Michel de Montaigne
“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.” – Rita Rudner
Also Added to the Website this Week:
We took the hodgepodge of various astrology related items from all over the website and made a one page directory of sorts so that you can find it all at once. We were surprised to find so much stuff was scattered all over the place – articles, a free monthly newsletter, paid and free versions of the monthly forecasts, personalized forecasts, personality profiles, and romantic compatibility reports.
Feature Article of the Week:
Fixing What is Broken
One of the hardest things to do is remaining married to someone ‘until death do us part.’ Being in love isn’t all that difficult, it’s the blending of lives, blending of belief systems, blending of extended families, and the daily hassles of putting up with the same roommate until the day you die. There are plenty of temptations to pull you away from your spouse too. The obvious example that comes to mind is the tantalizing opportunity to have sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. However, there are other forms of infidelity; workaholic, alcoholic, shopaholic, sports addict, computer addict, drug addict, and so on. The idea is that we allow these things to take priority over our spouse. One of the most difficult things to address is the children and their ability to come between the parents. I’m not saying that children’s needs aren’t important, especially when they’re quite young, but we do have a tendency to let their needs become so much more important than our spouse’s that the marriage can begin to fall apart. Do I even need to mention what financial problems can do to a marriage? Plenty of studies have shown that it’s the number one topic couples argue about. Without judging and analyzing each of these various triggers that can add to marital problems, let’s look at the steps that need to be taken in order to fix the marriage once one or more of these things have chipped away at the marriage and things aren’t looking so loving, supportive, safe, and secure anymore.
The first thing you have to do is decide together that you are both vested in fixing the marriage. If one person wants to save the marriage but the other one just doesn’t care or doesn’t feel that the problems can be fixed, then you have a serious issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Without nagging, bitching, or attacking the one who doesn’t have any more faith in the marriage, you have to find out why. Why don’t they think it can be fixed? If they are absolutely convinced that it’s over and they want a divorce, then you’re going to have a hell of a time trying to change their mind. It’s been done, but more often then not, it’s too late.
When people want out of a marriage it’s because they feel that there is nothing to save. The marriage is completely shattered in their opinion, not just a bit rough around the edges. If there is a pattern of turning over a new leaf without real changes happening, the person may feel that there’s no point in trying one more time to fix things. This is especially true of addiction issues and abusive relationships. If you are the one who is sick and tired of being told that the other person will sober up and they never do, or you’re on the receiving end of an abusive person and they never change, then you have a right to say, “No, there’s no reason for me to stick around.”
Typically, if both of you are still in love and neither of you has cheated, you are both relatively sober, and neither of you is abusive towards the other or towards your children, then it shouldn’t be too hard to convince the other person that the marriage is worth saving. Both of you have to completely commit to fixing the problems and you have to look at what that means.
The second thing you both have to look at is why the relationship is broken. What happened? What issues, outside people, and other interests are being put above the marriage? Who is more important to you in your heart of hearts than your spouse? Who is allowed to treat your partner like garbage while you sit by allowing it to happen? Are there issues with one or both of you feeling that nobody appreciates what you contribute to the marriage? Is there a gross misallocation of work or resources? Does one person do all of the work while the other one sits around doing nothing? Does one person have control over the purse strings to the point that the other has to ask permission just to buy a pack of gum? Did you simply forget to keep the romantic fires burning? There are as many ways to break up a marriage, as there are marriages to break. Together, without fighting, you both have to sit down and make a list of all of the people, issues, and behavior patterns that are chipping away at your ‘happily ever after.’ It’s going to be difficult not to argue and bicker about the items as they are placed on the list. You both have to remember the goal is to identify the sources of pain and problems, if you’re getting worked up just writing them down on a list, then it’s a pretty good bet that they’re causing the marriage to fall apart. Now, look over the list together and ask each other again if you’re both committed to fixing these problems so as to save the marriage.
The third step is much easier than the other two, but can take a lot longer to accomplish. A lot of people can’t get to the third step, that’s why there are so many divorces. At this point, you each have to look at the problems, influences, and issues on the list and decide which one’s you personally can fix, heal, change, eliminate, solve, or forgive. Make a plan together. Which things need to be addressed first? Which things will probably solve themselves if the other problems are removed? There is often a snowball effect; one or two big problems cause many little irritating side effects. Identify the roots of the problems and attack those first. Then, you both roll up your sleeves and get to work. You know what needs done and you know that your spouse is as committed as you are to saving your marriage, so do whatever needs done. Do it as quickly as you can, dragging out the process of healing will destroy the other person’s belief that you are truly committed to the relationship. Work hard, work fast, work smart, and don’t take your eye off of the goal. No matter how difficult it is to tackle the various problems and issues, keep a smile on your face and remember that at the end of this dark place in your marriage there is a light… a beautiful loving safe light as two hearts come together as one, “until death do us part.”
Copyright 2005, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge
Tomorrow's Edge
...inspiring leaps of faith
Long Live the American Dream!
Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow’s Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps
of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying personal growth,
motivation, soulmates, self-
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